“I Want to be a Part of it, New York New York”

   Quick. First thing that comes to mind when I say the word future. For me it is image in the movie Legally Blonde when Elle is moving to Harvard. Grassy lawns, buff guys, brownstone, fall trees, the quintessential college life; because my future right now is all about college. It is the huge, looming first step on the winding path of adult life. But what do I want from the collegiate experience? Easy.


1. Go to NYU


2. Major in theater


3. Work at Disney World as Snow White


4. Fall in love and marry a charming rich man


5. Travel the world with him and act on the side


   As this is an impractical life plan I have started to form a new plan. On that is realistic and achievable, but I still refuse to settle for something that isn’t at least a little fantastic. So now I am left with this:


1. Still go to NYU, even if it is only for my masters


2. Still work at Disney World as Snow White


3. Major in marketing management with international marketing kind of thrown in


4. Study abroad for a semester


5. Graduate and work in New York


   All of these plans are up in the air right now, and subject to change in the future. I only know one thing about my future for certain: I want to live in New York. A lot of the people in my life think I’m joking when I say this. Trust me, I’m not. They don’t understand why anyone would want to live there all the time. To help the disbelievers understand I have made a list (You’re just going to have a heart attack and die from that surprise right?)


1. Broadway- even though my revised life plan does not mention acting that does not mean that I have really eliminated it. Even if I managed to realize that being an actress is not my calling I still want to act as a hobby. Where better to see and be in plays and musicals than Broadway?


2. City life- while others look forward to greener pastures I dream of city streets. Living in an apartment and riding the subway are things that I think I would like. If I need a nature fix there’s always Central Park.


3. Diverse people- the people in New York are weird like me.


4. Lots of things to do- my ADD like tendencies make this a wonderful thing; if I get bored with something I can just move on to the next thing. With everything there is to see and do in the Big Apple I’ll never be bored.


   That’s not every reason why I love New York. My connection with the city is hard to put into words, but it should help those who are so confused. I hope they come visit me.


   Man, that post was really long. Too long? Too many lists? Let me know.


New Yorkers travel an average of 40 minutes to work each day.

“No One Saying Stop That”

   This is the last post in my friend series. I hope all of my friends; even the ones not listed know how much I love them. So here it goes:


1. Will do all kinds of crazy stuff with me- when I want to do something certifiably insane, she is the first (and probably only) one of my friends who is willing to let me entertain the idea. Everyone needs a partner in crime.


2. Hysterical- everyone of my friends are funny, but she earns the title of funniest. She can make a joke about anything. Nuns probably laugh at her jokes (some of the G rated ones anyway).


3. Super talented artist- she is so good I tore off one of the doodles she put on a paper she graded to keep. Someday it will be worth millions. Her art skills also mean that she gives great birthday/Christmas cards and handmade presents.


4. Likes the same things I like- despite this being kind of a requirement for people to be friends, not everyone is willing to be a total fangirl with me. I appreciate someone to squeal with.


   I have more things I want to say about all of my friends and so many stories to tell about them and so many I didn’t get to mention, but no room. Perhaps I will revisit this series. Till then this will have to do.


Nobody knows who built the Taj Mahal. The names of the architects, masons, and designers that have come down to us have all proved to be latter-day inventions, and there is no evidence to indicate who the real creators were.

“You’re the Part of Me that Makes Me Better”

   Today I promise my post will be longer because I am going to write about two of my friends. They are not twins like Fred and George, they just are both really good friends of mine. Here is the first one:


1. She is so nice seeing her upset makes villains grovel- being angry or hateful are foreign emotions to her.


2. She gossips with me too- need that in not one, but all my friends. She is an especially good gossip because of her nice girl image. People tell her everything, thinking she is too polite to tell anyone. They are wrong. She then tells me all that others have told her. Making it my business to know is much easier with her around.


3. Really smart- this helps me a lot with homework. Plus, who wants to spend all their time with stupid people. Even though she is book smart she has no common sense, but naiveté improves the group dynamic. She keeps everyone appropriate, clean, and polite to each other.


4. She has been my BFFL since first grade- I can tell her absolutely everything and she can always tell what I’m trying to say. Even when my brain is muddled.


5. Always knows just what to say- if I’m happy or crying I can always count on her.


   Now for my other BFFL, really she’s not. She is more like my BFFAE. (Best friend forever and ever, Google Searcher, since she already knows what it means). I’ll get right to her list:


1. As BFFAE’s we have magic telepathic powers- this comes from me telling her absolutely everything too. In fact sometimes I tell her things I don’t tell friend number one, because she empathizes more with more problems. Like wishing I had a boyfriend or wondering what to wear or worrying about auditions. This is what promotes us to telepathic levels. Muddled brain and all.


2. Another friend that gossips with me- I always need more. Plus each friend has special gossiping talents. They share gossip or listen for hours. My BFFAE will analyze and go over and over each new fact a hundred times, whether it is who is dating who or what happened in the latest episode of Big Bang Theory.


3. We like almost all the same things- from Harry Potter to Disney Princesses and Batman it almost never fails that if one of us finds a new obsession the other falls in love with it.


4. Always knows just what to say- if I’m happy or crying I can always count on her.


   This is only the minimum on all my friends. They have many more wonderful qualities. They do have bad qualities too, but we are amici anyway. If I had any siblings they would not be as much fun. There will for sure be one more post in this series. Look forward to it.


Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to wear tail lights.

“Take You Wonder by Wonder”

   This is the beginning of what I hope to be a multiple post entry about my friends. With summer ending and insanely busy schedules coming back with a vengeance I want to take some time to appreciate my friends, their good qualities and their bad ones, before they slip away. I also really needed something to write about, so don’t start thinking I have actual emotions. Heartless as ever I will not be mushy. I will also not reveal the names of my friends. They have to guess too. An extra hint is that the title of their post will be from a song they like. So here is a list describing one of them:


1. Gives me rides- she is super awesome and takes me everywhere. Like to school and rehearsal.


2. Super chill- even when everyone else is freaking out and spazing she can be calm. She also is a mediator who keeps the peace with an “I don’t take crap” attitude.


3. Brings me food- this is a wonderful trait in a friend.


4. Gossips with me- I am a huge gossip. I need friends who relish in that.


6. She's in musicals with me- anything more need be said?


5. Takes no crap- just reiterating that.


   I was going to put bad things, but they are too hard to think of. So I’m making these a list of only good, fantastic things. Another short post, but at least there is one. Look for a new friend tomorrow.


The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million.

“Somehow I’ll Make a Man Out of You”

   Guess what… I’m going to talk about boys again, but I’ll hopefully be much more concise. The main reasons I am thinking about boys way too much for a normal person is that my frienemy Homecoming is coming up in three weeks. Can you believe that? I have three weeks to try and find a date (in case you were unclear how all of that before stuff about boys connected). So I have made a list of boys I know. (Names have been generalized to protect my sanity in case it is true that up to three people might actually read this). Let’s play find me a date, shall we?


Bachelor #1. My guy friends’ friends- (this is more than one boy, I just don’t know them well enough to separate them) All of my guy friends seem to be dating someone all of the sudden, so I defiantly can’t even friend date them (just going to the dance as friends, not really dating). This leaves me their friends who are boys. Except my guy friends have mainly girl friends, and their friends that do happen to have a y chromosome are geeks. Don’t get me wrong; I have no problem with geeks, we just don’t have very much in common normally.


Bachelor #2. This one boy in some of my classes or his friend- I’ve know them as acquaintances for a while (i.e: we went to school together before high school) but I’m pretty sure they don’t really want to date me. This is mainly because they are cool. Not like in the “in” crowd (even though they are) but just intangibly cool. Like rock stars. I am just a puny mortal. I realize I have no chance.


Bachelor #3. A boy my friends know that I have no met, but who is also apparently lonely- I don’t know him, he doesn’t know me, but maybe we could friend date. I’ve heard nice things about him and we share some interest. However, this is not what I’d call a sure thing. Really it’s a prayer that he is just as desperate for a date as I am and doesn’t care who I am.


   Well, my prospects look bleak. Maybe someone will surprise me. Perhaps I will meet a nice Christian boy in the Bible study I am joining. Others have. I will keep my fingers crossed.


The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

“Why, nobody will oppose!”

   So a lot of blogs are about things people really like or really hate, but if I’m going to talk about everything I am going to need a system to rank the things that are in the middle. Today at lunch I was inspired by a friend. (Almost all of my ideas are stolen, so get used to it Google Searcher)So in order to test her system today I will blog about bananas. Unfortunately, it will have to be a short one. Here is my step process to determining how much I like bananas.


1. (This is the bottom of the scale) if I had to choose between bananas and running a marathon; I would choose bananas.


2. If I had to choose between bananas and being stung by a bee; I would choose bananas.


3. If I had to choose between bananas and spending an hour with my worst enemy; I would choose bananas.


4. If I had to choose between bananas and blueberries; I would choose bananas. (just barely though)


5. If I had to choose between bananas and spending an hour with someone I don’t know; I would choose an hour with someone I don’t know.


6. If I had to choose between bananas and a sandwich; I would choose a sandwich.


7. If I had to choose between bananas and clothes shopping; I would choose clothes shopping.


8. If I had to choose between bananas and going to a musical; I would choose a musical.


9. If I had to choose between bananas and petting a kitten; I would choose a kitten.


10. If I had to choose between bananas and singing a duet with Neil Patrick Harris; I would choose Neil Patrick Harris, hands down.


   Bananas has earned a 5. I feel completely indifferently to them. School started today (if you were unaware) which is why this blog is so short. Just be prepared that this less frequent blogging and shorter posts are going to become the norm. I know you are heartbroken Google Searcher. You’ll live.


Odontophobia is the fear of teeth

“Think Invisible Ink! Or a Gink With a Stink!”

   The other day my friends and I went to the zoo. I used to go to there all the time, but I hadn’t been in awhile. In fact, it had been so long since I had been I had forgotten how much fun it was. When we first got there all of us were running around like little kids because we were so keyed up to be there. There was so much to see. Strangely it reminded me of Mean Girls, where she sees everyone behaving like animals and compares high school to a jungle. With the first day of school breathing down everyone’s neck I have started to think about what it is going to be like. Then, like in all critical moments in life, Mean Girls came to the rescue. So I’m starting a new school year with a fresh perspective. Here’s a list of the wildlife I might encounter in high school.


1. Super friendly chimpanzees- those kids you meet that are everyone’s friend. They are usually in a class with you and you’ll chat with them and be their facebook friend until you forget who they are and delete them or they get lost amongst your 1,000 other friends. Perhaps this cordial acquaintance will blossom into a real friendship and the two of you will hang out all the time, or maybe you will eat lunch together and be glad you met them.


2. Stick their nose in everything giraffes- they are nice with everyone in order to know the whole scoop. They are probably your facebook friend too because you need to talk to them about a group project, but you may not pay too much attention what’s going on in their lives. They too get lost among too many online friends. You avoid sharing personal details with them, and they always want to know your grades, much as you avoid feeding fingers to real giraffes.


3. Mean spirited ostriches- they bite, smell, and spit; avoid at all costs. Once you get one of them infuriated they refuse to leave you alone. They hold grudges for extended periods of time and will chase you around cherishing any blunder they can watch you make, and setting you up for as much failure as possible. Just stay far away.


4. Jokester parrots- there are two kinds: attention seeking and funny participator. Attention seekers get annoying quickly as they disrupt class and anger the teacher, but funny participators help move along the discussion with witty comments. Both have their supporters and those who dislike them. The traditionalist tigers almost never like them.


5. Traditionalist tigers- want everything to work out all neat and tidy. The lesson of life isn’t fair seems to not apply to them in the high school jungle. If things don’t go just so they freak. Can be tame or wild. Proceed with caution.


   These are some examples of wildlife in high school. These are only the common types, more rare and exotic kinds exist, and maybe I’ll cover them later. But for now this Mean Girls moment will have to help with the first week of school.


The word “nerd” was first used in Dr. Susses’ If I Ran the Zoo.

“Because You Both Have Such Great Tastes in Clothes”

Warning: this post contains much gushing over hot men that I will never have. If you are opposed to this go away.


   I have been watching White Collar since episode one, which isn’t that long, as it is only in season two. Why do I watch it so devotedly?, you ask. Not for the interesting plot lines or the dynamic characters, if that’s what you think. My reason is much shallower than that. I watch White Collar for one reason and one reason only: Matt Bomer. He is the definition of delicious, all hot guys wither in comparison (maybe not all, but a huge majority) . In case you do not understand I have made a list. A list of why he is a Roman god of beauty:


1. On the show he plays Neil Cafery, a con man turned F.B.I. consultant who dresses in nothing but classy suits and tasteful shirts. His fashionable style is a huge bonus.


2. He has gorgeous, sparkly blue eyes. They accentuate is attractiveness.


3. His mad skills with a fedora, which he wears often on the show. He can flip it around and spin it in all kinds of cool ways.


4. I can school girl crush on him all I want, because Neil Cafery is fictional and Matt Bomer is gay. This makes me sad, but prevents any heartbreak on my end.


   These are the reasons I watch White Collar. I know, Google Searcher, I have no shame, but you have to at least give me that I am honest. And USA network has repaid my fandom: last episode there was an entire scene where Neil/Matt was shirtless. I was happy.


The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.

“Don’t Change that Channel”

   Actually, do, quickly. Yesterday I came home and my mother admitted to me that while I was gone she had watched Bridezillas. She said that she thought how bad can it be? and found that it was, truly, unbearably, awful. If only I had been there, I could have warned her. I have no problem with a lot of reality shows; however, there are certain shows which should be avoided at all costs. To prevent anyone I care about (I really do love you Google Searcher) from making the possibly scaring decision to watch one of them in the future I have made this informative list.


1. Bridezillas- I love weddings and most wedding shows are my guilty pleasure, but this one is terrible. There are some things that are really too awful to put on television.


2. Anything with the word Jersey in it- including, but not limited to: Jersey Shore, the trashiest show currently on television, possibly ever; Jerseylisous, Jersey plus –lisous should put up many red flags that scream “this will suck”; Real Housewives of New Jersey, any Real Housewives show actually, but especially this one.


3. Shows following famous people around -they expect me to care that a celebrity I don’t know (Kendra) or is famous for nothing (Kardashians) fights with their family and goes grocery shopping. No thank you.


4. Shows about pregnancy- this one is probably because I don’t like children or babies, why do I want to listen to them scream on Baby Story, or hear horror stories on I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant, or think about myself or friends getting pregnant on 16 and Pregnant.


5. Anything with the word Bachelor in it- this show, whichever one it is, is for skanks who don’t want to date normally. Really, any dating show is a bad idea.


6. Shows about people with too many children- again I don’t like kids, so I find these especially terrible and the parents are always deplorable. Example: Kate Plus Eight.


   In general just don’t watch shows with desperate people and tread warily with reality TV. This public service announcement was brought to you by MyNameRhymes.


You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.

"One's Life Improves from A to Z"

   I wish I was Lady Gaga. I know that wishing my life was different in any way is rather unhealthy, but I do. There are many reasons my life would be easier. I think I’ll just make a list.


1. If I were Lady Gaga then I could do whatever crazy things I wanted to and still be thought of as cool. People would just say, “well she’s lady Gaga” and think nothing of it. Like being old on not.


2. I could have awesome, insane hairdos that people would envy.


3. Lady Gaga makes tons of money off performing in front of millions of people. How cool is that?


4. I could jet around the world for my international concert tour, taking in the sights.


5. I would have the best clothes for all the publicity appearances and award ceremonies because, since I was Lady Gaga and expected to be weird, I could dress however I wanted, including a cocktail dress made of ties.


6. I saved the best for last: I could stomp around like a dinosaur every day. This would be the highlight of my day literally every day.


   This would be why life would be better as Lady Gaga. It is an undeniable fact. I am not Lady Gaga, and I am ok with that. Maybe I’ll just channel my inner Gaga sometimes.


There are twice as many kangaroos in Australia as there are people.

“Well Excited and Scared”

   So today was the annual musical workshop at my school, or, as I think of it, the calm before the storm. Musicals are one of my favorite things and getting cast in one of my school’s would mean so much to me. But I get terrible nerves at musical auditions, which is weird for me because I am never nervous about performing. At the workshop I’m in a group and feel really good about my audition. Then the big day rolls around and the caterpillars have sprouted into butterflies that end up so huge in my stomach by the time it is my turn to sing that they are gigantic Norwegian Ridgebacks racing each other around my intestines. To try and fight my nerves I have two solutions: practice like my life depends on it and make a list of the reasons why auditioning has me sweating bullets while opening night I am as cool as a cucumber in the fridgerator.


1. Making the musical would be like Christmas on my birthday come early with mini blizzards- this kind of reward demands a lot of pressure and it freaks me out.


2. Everyone, well, not absolutely everyone, but enough of the people who try out at my school are really good singers and strong actors- being personally better suited to acting whilst loving, yet not totally excelling at singing puts me a football field behind the majority of my choir competition.


3. The people watching- I am a colossal fan of audiences and in other situations they never unnerve me, but at auditions there is a different atmosphere. Everyone knows that the more I suck the better their chances are, so even my best friend, who really wants me to do well also has a tiny part of her who hopes I am worse than her. And the female completion is cut throat. The people I don’t know or possibly don’t like are probably rooting for spectacular failure. I try not to want them to not succeed, but I am still guilty of the occasionally uncharitable thought. I can’t help it. Twenty to thirty girls have to be cut. That’s how it is.


   This year I will, I will conquer my nerves and land myself a roll in the musical. I know I can do it. (hey Google searcher, I don’t judge your ego boosts).


When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.

"So Help Me Dress for My Fairytale"

   Texas has one holiday that a lot of other states don’t have, it’s called homecoming and it’s a big deal. Now, I will restrain from stepping onto my soap box for the time being; because today I just want to talk about the most fun part of this time of year: dress shopping. I am a girly girl. Actually, that is an understatement. I am a dress wearing, pink and sparkly princess kind of girl. This is probably the root of my obsession with dresses. When an occasion comes up where I can buy a new dress I jump at the opportunity. However there is a problem, namely the very large number of dresses that are currently filling up my closest. I think I have problem because more of my closet is dresses than shirts or pants or skirts or anything else. They have become a mass of fabric that slowly eats through my closet and is encroaching on the rest of my room. But admitting you have a problem is the first step. So I have identified what steps I shall take in order to stop buying dresses, even at this critical dress buying time of year.



1. Stop going is dress shops- they are enablers. However this may be more difficult the closer homecoming becomes, as my friends will want to go dress shopping.


2. If I am in a store with dresses I may only try on 3- even if everyone I know is in the store and trying things on I will restrain. Probably.


3. Exception to rule 3- if a friend is trying to humiliate me by putting me in a hideous contraption that is not really a dress I may try on as many as I want.


4. No evening gowns- there isn’t anywhere to wear them, so I should not try them on.


5. No black dresses- they are the main closets eating problem.


6. If I plan on purchasing a dress I must try it on two separate times- this way I have to think twice about where it will go in my closet and where I can wear it.


   If I manage to follow all these rules I should not have to part with too many of my marvelous dresses and still have fun with friends. Or I’ll just get rid of some more shirts and give up on pants all together. Who knows?


Queen Victoria wore the first white wedding dress in her wedding to Prince Albert in 1840.

“Happiness is Two Kinds of Ice Cream”

 The other night I went to Dairy Queen and got a mini blizzard. This excited me way more than it should. Like really. On my list of things that are awesome mini blizzards are currently at the top. I realize how sad this is, but I have always wanted a mini blizzard. The old normal sized blizzards were just too large. These are the perfect size. Not too big and not too small. Like a miniature piece of ice cream paradise. Since this rapture seems unhealthy (in more ways than one) I am now going to list things that make me as happy as mini blizzards.


1. The fork I found one day in the road- It was really a fork, a flattened one, in the road.


2. Musicals- they sing and dance, often at the same time.


3. Pygmy goats- I want one to come and live in my yard and eat my grass.


4. Kittens- there are nothing cuter than kittens. Period. Not even babies.


Citizens of Omaha, Nebraska, eat more ice cream per person than any other Americans.

“Bruiser’s not a dog. Bruiser’s family.”

   Today I signed my dog, Rosemary, up for a pet modeling contest. Looking back on this decision it seems pretty insane. I mean, sure, she is pretty cute and cuddly, not to mention well behaved, but pet photography, really? Luckily for my sanity someone else will be taking her picture. I have not stooped so low as to think I am a qualified professional pet photographer, but I do seem to think that of all the pets in my local community my dog is they cutest and most photogenic.
   Rosemary is awfully adorable and everyone does love her, so maybe this wasn’t such an awful idea. But I did have to bathe her today; however I would have had to do that anyway. Since my feelings on this seem confused I have composed a list of pros and cons (full of fun numbers like all of my other lovely lists). Pros first, always look at the positive.


1. I could win $1000 in U. S. money. That could be extremely useful in my world domination plans.


2. My dog, hence in some tiny part me, would be famous. Well sort of famous, like almost as famous as the models in the JcPenny’s catalogue.


3. It’s free, so that’s not a problem.


   Now the cons. Not everything is a good thing.


1. I have to drive like thirty miles. That’s a long way.


2. My poor puppy has to get brushed. She hates that.


3. Along with my $1000 U.S. money I get to drive Rosemary where ever they want her for “additional photoshoots”. Blegh.

   But now that she is sighed up there is no backing out. So we’ll see how this goes. (me and my other personalities at least.)


The Taco Bell Chihuahua is a rescued dog named Gidget.

“Falling in Love with Love” Continued

   My main problem with yesterday’s list is not that they are pressuring me to date when I don’t want to, but that they are just pointing out all the time that, while I wish I had a boyfriend, I just don’t. This makes me sad and self-deprecating sometimes, but then I remember that when in doubt, blame all of your problems on others. It’s not that I’m not pretty or funny or smart, it is that boys are stupid, ugly, and humorless. Hence that is what I say when anyone asks if I like anyone, “boys suck”. It wins me lots of popularity points. I don’t suggest it. So instead here is a list of better answers:


1. “I reproduce through meiosis”


2. “Lower life forms do not interest me romantically”


3. “Other people scare me if they are too close”


   Actually those probably won’t win you any cool points. But these might get people to shut up:


4. Cry- there is nothing better at shutting people up then a good cry


5. Giggle- they will assume you are hiding something


6. Wink suggestively- it throws people off. They will change the subject to avoid all the awkward.


7. “Did you know:” and insert random fact- again, they will be uncomfortable and change tactics.


   Or maybe the best advice is to not take advice from me, or on personal matters, or things you read randomly off the internet, Google searcher. I will stop going on and on about this now.


The first person selected as the Time Magazine Man of the Year - Charles Lindbergh in 1927.

“Falling in Love with Love”

  At the mall the other day I saw a poster with a couple kissing on it. Not too uncommon right? But they were advertising Lenscrafters. How is PDA going to sell more glasses? Because America is in love with the idea of being in love. I’ll be the first to admit I am. From Disney movies to television to books and even eyeglasses posters it seems as though everyone is happier in love.


   As a result now everyone thinks I should have a boyfriend. Here is the list of people I have come up with who I think believe I would be better off dating someone:


1. Myself- I think I should have a boyfriend, but don’t know how to acquire one.


2. My family- They’ve already started thinking who I should marry. When I tell them that’s bordering on arranged marriage they simply say, “how is your parents setting you up with a boy different from your friends setting you up with a boy?” I don’t know mom; it just is.


3. My friends who are dating someone- now that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend they think everyone else should get one too. They do couples only activities as if people who are dating are some kind of elite and exclusive club, but they don’t want to leave me out; they simply want me to meet the requirements to join.


4. My single friends- they don’t want to spend time and energy finding a date anymore than I do, but they do want the self-assurance that if they did there would be multiple guys (or girls) waiting to date them. Or they are the really nasty kind who wants me to date a specific boy (see family) because quote, “you two would be so cute together”. It’s almost never someone I actually like, therefore doomed from the start.


5. Society- for girls today it seems a boyfriend the accessory of the fall and I just must have one, or else be single not because I have no dates, but because I am too feminist to date any mere mortal man and have to shoo away suitors who I deem unacceptable until some sculpted bodied angel comes down and showers me in expensive gifts and shiny trinkets. Being self-conscious and single is a fashion don’t.


   This post is getting really long and rant-like so I will stop for today and post more tomorrow. To be continued.


The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet (9m)

"He Served a Dark and a Hungry God"

   So after interviewing and sorting through the many applicants I have found my new arch-enemy: (insert drum roll) parallel parking. Watching it die in a hole with fire just doesn't seem enough, but coming up inventive and painful ways for it to perish isn't ladylike. I have identified the two reasons I hate parking between two cars. The first is that it is the last stumbling block in my quest to get a driver’s license. The second is that I am so close to mastering it but can't for the life of my figure out how to master the last part and get it right each time. Because of this I am funneling all of my frustrations, insecurities, and feelings of failure into the evil act, leaving me an emotional wreck. Last time I practiced my frustration escalated to seething anger and then left my in tears, sitting in my car crying pathetically to the Counting Crows' Accidentally in Love. It was really bad. Now since I want to keep up the trend of including a numbered list in all my blogs here are my tips about parallel parking:


1. Don't do it


2. Avoid it


3. Valet parking


  For those of you (yes Google Searcher, I mean you) who can parallel park; I don't want to hear it. I may have to be unladylike and wish you a horrible fate.


American car horns beep in the tone of F.

"I've Never Seen a King of Beasts with Quite So Little Hair"

   Since I am new to blogging and potentially sharing my feelings with strangers I thought I’d make my first non-intro post something that wasn’t too deep or personal- specifically my feelings on facial hair. After my musical mania I believe the most important thing everyone should know about me is my feelings about hair men who grow upon their face. (I realize this makes me very pathetic and shallow, but what do I care what you think Random Google Searcher?).

   My personal stance on facial hair is that as basic rule of thumb it is always a bad idea. I tolerate no scruffiness. However, as to every rule there is always an exception, even the rule that there is always an exception. Here is a list of the exceptions to those select times when forgoing a shave is not too awful:

1. You are Dumbledore, Gandalf, or Abraham Lincoln- I think this goes without saying.


2. You are a world dictator- Hitler and Stalin needed mustaches that upped their intimidation factor.


3. You like the fact that your goatee is more than mildly satanic- similar to Hitler and Stalin you need to intimate often and a goatee is something to be feared.


4. You have some reason to want to look homeless- a nice scruffy beard always benefits that image.


5. You are a recluse- if no one ever sees the offending hair then it is probably ok.


6. Your facial hair is fake- i.e. an adhesive mustache or funny looking glasses with pseudo-mustaches. These are fun and very acceptable. If you want to get creative and make a radical mustache I would suggest drawing it on clear scotch tape with sharpie and sticking it on your face. Then you can make it as outlandish as you want.


   There is one type of facial hair that is never ok: the neck beard. It is wrong. Period. End of story. Shave it off.


The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.

"Let's Start at the Very Beginning"

   Bet you can’t guess what musical the title of this post comes from. If you can leave a comment. All of my posts will be titled with quotes from musicals, and if you can guess what musical it is and leave a comment with the correct answer I will give you a gold star. This is because I love musicals and want to see who else out there does too.
    If anyone ever reads this, because honestly I made a blog to hone my writing skills while sorting though the whirlwind of emotions that daily bombard us all. All this really amounts to is a neat and online diary hopefully hidden away behind enough layers of cybersphere to never be found. So, in order to ascertain my target audience I have come up with three types of people who will most likely read my blog:



1. Myself- the sad but true fact is that I will account for most likely half of my visitors.


2. ‘Concerned’ Friends- I just like to think they are concerned, really they are probably creeping shamelessly.


3. Random Google Searchers- just because you type “Ron’s Big Book of Everything” doesn’t mean you won’t end up here on the tenth O.


     So hopefully all my personalities and a few choice friends enjoyed this little intro to my virtual mind. Sorry Google Searcher, I really just don’t care whether you liked it or not. (but I still hope you did, because that would boost my ego).


Elephants are the only mammals that can't jump, but they are also the only mammal with four knees.  (The last line of each post will be something I didn't know)