“Tale as Old as Time”

   It’s We’s Wedding Sunday. My shame is great in admitting that I am up at 10pm watching anything on We. To add to my great shame I am simultaneously watching 27 Dresses. What is the reason for my late night, wedding inspired guilty pleasure? It’s because I am a sad, lonely girl who wants to get married someday. Nothing new right? …OMG! That lady is getting married at Disney World! No time to explain my deep, psychological issues that lead me to a strange wedding obsession or the context behind my late-night endeavors (you probably don’t care anyway) all you need to know is that I am getting married at Disney World, no matter what it takes. Here’s what my wedding will be like:


1. As previously stated, it will be at Disney World, but not just anywhere. It has to be in Cinderella’s castle. It symbolizes to me dreams come and all the time spent dreaming about Prince Charming. It has to be there.


2. I want the perfect dress. I can’t seem to find the perfect one (mainly because I haven’t actually looked at real, tangible dresses), but I know what I want. Imagine the dress from Enchanted. Remember the huge, sparkly over-the-top, butterfly on the shoulder ball gown? That’s what I want. I don’t care that it will probably drown me in tulle and lace, or that it weighs upwards of 40 pounds. I don’t care that reasonably, I can’t have it. I can get one like it. I know I can. Maybe the sleeves would be a bit smaller, and maybe the train could be taken away so it would weigh less, but I will have that perfect dress. And I will make everyone tell me I’m beautiful even if I look like an idiot.


3. All of my friends have to be there. I’ve already gushed about how important my friends are in my life and I would never, ever go through an important day like my wedding without them. I still don’t want too large a wedding, so I’ll have to figure a way to have at least 6 bridesmaids without having more than 100 guests, but I’m hoping traveling to Florida with discourage my extended family.


   I’ll stop boring you with the details. It should suffice to say that there are more. Many more. I’ve been planning this for a long time. Maybe I should try to find someone to marry. That will be a long time in the future though. Perhaps sleep is more important now. Men will come. Hopefully.


The bride stands to the groom's left during a Christian ceremony, because in bygone days the groom needed his right hand free to fight off other suitors.

“I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”

    OF TERROR. While my lovely friend wrote an inspiring post bashing my most recent defense of Thanksgiving (Look! Hyperlink!)  , I was dreaming up a much more cynical article inspired by my new favorite website: Cracked.com. (omg! Another hyperlink! But be warned, it’s not family friendly.) So here are The Top 3 Lines from Christmas Songs that are Too Disturbing for Children:


3. “What’s in this drink”- Baby It’s cold Outside
Why is this “Christmas” song hinting so heavily at date rape? What does it have to do with Christmas? (Why am I still using too many rhetorical questions after my English teacher told me not too?) The rest of the song is only slightly scandalous, suggesting only a pair of unscrupulous lovers, but this line turns it into something much more nefarious.


2. “The sun was hot that day, so he said, let's run and we'll have some fun now before I melt away."- Frosty the Snowman
Children should not have to learn about mortality during Christmas. The song goes back to try and correct itself with “I'll be back again someday”, but that’s just feeding the poor, impressionable kiddies the wrong idea. If you’re going to talk about morbid things at least tell the truth. That snowman is not coming back. Interestingly enough, would an undead snowman be a ghost or a zombie? You ponder that while I hope that your Christmas spirit is not too zapped.


1. “He knows if you’ve been bad or good”- Santa Claus is Coming to Town
You knew this was going to come up. This song is the creepy Christmas anthem. But there is just something beyond “he sees you when you’re sleeping” creepy buried in here. That suggests a passive pervert, an old guy who watches kids at night, but knowing the children’s every action is something much more nefarious. It is round the clock following and observation. Who wants their children to live in constant fear of disturbed bearded men? They need to be prepared for the real world right?

Now that you feel the need to go throw ornaments at puppies, please enjoy this kitten

Also, a lovely Christmas song: Christmas Cancan

A small ornament of a Goat is a tradition Christmas decoration in Sweden

“We've got a Holiday that He Can’t Refuse”

   Oooh! Two posts in one day?! Yeah, I wrote the other one a long time ago (like a week) and just got around to posting today. Also, I realized I only had 2 posts for all of November and was filled with shame. So I am posting twice in one day.


   Thanksgiving was Thursday. You knew that. Now, tell me honestly: when did you start thinking about Christmas? Monday? Wednesday? Not until Friday? If you answered not until Friday I salute you. I saw way too many people, stores, cities, and TV commercials that were already at December 20th before I’d put away my Halloween costume. Whatever happened to Thanksgiving? It has now become my personal mission to raise this unloved and forgotten middle child of Halloween and Christmas up to its full glory. These are my ideas how:


1. Stop making people feel obligated to spend Thanksgiving with their families- I mean face it, you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your relatives. Wait till Christmas to see them.


2. Re-image the Thanksgiving parade- It is way too Christmas oriented. We need more turkeys and pilgrims, less Santa. Speaking of Santa…


3. Make kids hate Santa- I mean, he watches them as they sleep and threatens to crush their happy, Christmas souls by not bringing them gifts if they are bad. Just admit that Santa is really Mommy or Daddy and stop making your children sit on pedo’s laps at the mall.


4. Create a nationwide Thanksgiving activity- Christmas has presents and 4th of July has fireworks, why can’t Thanksgiving have, I don’t know, relay races or ping pong ball fights?


5. Write Thanksgiving songs- make them catchy and about happy things like food and airports.


   See. Thanksgiving is sounding better already!


Thomas Jefferson thought the concept of Thanksgiving was “the most ridiculous idea I’ve ever heard.” (He would support my holiday spruce up)

“I’m Gonna Live Forever”

   So today is the last performance of FAME, thus ending my latest musical theater endeavor. It had a good run. We pulled it together at the last minute from a moderate disaster. That is the way I remember musicals being. Now there are 3 auditions coming up next week. Or the next few weeks, time does not matter in cyberspace. But the problem is that I can’t be in all 3 shows at the same time. (Maybe if I had a time turner, but even then…)


1. The first audition is for UIL One Act Play, directed Mr. H- In years past Mr. H has been the only director at school who has given me a part before. This makes me more hopeful about maybe making the OAP, but it is still extremely difficult. The show, Cinderella Waltz , sounds fun and has a few parts, but OAP is pretty elite. And, if I do manage to score a role I can’t do any other shows. I really don’t want to miss Bye Bye Birdie.


2. Yep. That’s the second audition, Bye Bye Birdie- It is the musical at FUMC and everyone makes it. This would be my 4th show there and I really love doing them. Musicals hold a special place in my heart and all my friends are doing. (And yes, if all my friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge I’d probably trust their judgment).


3. Mr. B, another director at school is also doing a play this semester (why?)- I’d also love to be in his show and I would still have time for a bit part in Bye Bye Birdie. I’ve already made up my mind here. If I don’t make OAP then I’ll try out for Mr. B’s show. (Not that I’ll probably make it since I’m not a senior, but it’s worth a shot.)


   It is all confusing and a bit boring for y’all to read, but then again, I’m pretty sure my most avid blog reader is myself. What do I care what you think Google Searcher?


The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. (Hahaha engineers)

“This is My Quest”

   I recently finished reading The Know-It-All by A.J. Jacobs. It was really a good book, funny and informative, all about Jacobs’ quest to read the entire Encyclopedia Britannica. This has inspired me to do two things: learn more and adopt my own quest. I have been doing well on both accounts.


1. Learning more- I actually learned a lot of interesting things from The Know-It-All. For example:


     a. The curious case of Prynne. An ancient Greek meritrix (Latin censoring) who made tons of money. Then she got arrested for blasphemy and put on trial. Things looked pretty bleak for her (the sentence was execution) so she flashed them. They acquitted her. I learned that boobs will make heterosexual males do anything.


     b. Nathaniel Hawthorne, author of The Scarlet Letter, my most recent required school reading book, wrote the number 64 compulsively on scraps of paper. Although interestingly enough, I found no mention of it in the actual book he is so famous for. They must have edited those parts outs.


    c. Queen Victoria’s bustle played “God Save the Queen” when she sat on it.


    d. In Medieval England they had an Abbot of Unreason in charge of all Christmas celebrations.


2. Adopting a quest- back last spring my school had a pop tab drive for the Ronald McDonald House. I don’t actually drink soda, but I ended up with a ton. Then I got addicted. Now I can’t stop. So I have now made it my quest to get 1 million pop tabs. It seems insane, but I’m going to do it. I have about 4,000 now. It’s a good start.


The CIA tried to assassinate Fidel Castro 634 times. (Yay Learning!)

“This is Halloween”

   Today is Halloween, my official favorite holiday! I am super excited. Tonight I am going trick-or-treating with my mom’s friend’s son. It is a tradition that my friends and I take him every year. I think he likes it because he (a fifth grader) gets to be followed around by a posse of high school girls. My favorite part of Halloween is the costumes. (I of course love the parties and candy too, but costumes are the best) I always look for what I am going to be the next year for Halloween while I’m trick-or-treating, and then promptly forget all about it until September the next year. This year nothing stuck out to me as my next costume, but that is ok because I had already compiled a list.


1. Snow White- I got a pattern for an adult sized Snow White costume the other day and am seriously considering being her next year. This is mostly because I am going to work at Disney World when I grow up and be her.


2. Lady Gaga- as I also aspire to grow up and be Lady Gaga, she is a serious contender in my next year costume race. Her outfits, however, may be too on the unscrupulous side for me to wear around children. To solve this problem I plan on having a Lady Gaga party on March 28th (her birthday).


3. Ballerina- I used to want to grow up and be a ballerina (I see a common theme here), but gave up on my dream when I realized I sucked a ballet. I still want to wear a tutu though.


   These are my main contenders for next year’s Halloween, but I am sure to change my mind a thousand times. I saw only one truly awesome costume whilst trick-or-treating tonight, Darth Vader Banana.


If a girl puts a sprig of rosemary herb and a silver sixpence under her pillow on Halloween night, she will see her future husband in a dream. (I would try this, but I have no idea where to get a silver sixpence. I will make it a quest and try next year)

“A Comedy Tonight”

   I used to hate history. Then I learned all the ridiculous things people in history have done. Now I find it amusing. For example, in Latin the other day we learned about the Roman Civil War. It was surprisingly interesting. I thought it was going to be super lame and all dates of battles but then I found out the real story. (Now you get to learn!)


1. The Roman Civil War was a legit gang war. Let that sink in. Ancient Rome, togas and all, fighting it out in true gansta’ style. Including hiding shanks in their togas and cutting each other at the Senate house. (No Google Searcher, I am not making this up).


2. The war was between Pompey, aka: Pompey the Great (I think he named himself this), The Boy Butcher, The Most Awesome person in Rome at the time, and Caesar, The Caesar and Power Hungry Mad G.


3. Pompey started his career as a straight up G and never stopped. He originally worked for the ruthless Sulla, where he earned his street creed by kidnapping and murdering Roman aristocrats (hence the name “Boy Butcher”). Then he decided that he would spend some time taking his army into battle and routinely stealing everyone else’s thunder. This included dominating not only the war in Spain, but the slave revolt, and owning the pirates.


4. In the first triumvirate Caesar was the low man on the totem pole, but got elected consul (big wig in Rome) with Bibulous (a total nub). No one liked him, unlike Pompey who everyone loved (despite his attraction to unadulterated violence).


5. Then the triumvirate fell apart when Julia (Caesar’s daughter and Pompey’s wife (creepy, yes), with whom he was madly in love (still a little creepy) dies. Caesar then throws a big boy tantrum and decides to take his army into Rome (a huge no no). When he crossed the Rubicon he officially declared civil war. Pompey and his homes then run like little girls to Greece. Caesar then pwns them and Pompey (who is still being a coward) takes off to hide in Egypt. There his head is chopped off by an eight year old king.


   I even drew a picture while doodling today in history (I know, but I was bored). Lookie at my art:

Emperor Claudius’ third wife was once said to have donned blond wigs, gilded her nipples, and entered a competition with a local prostitute to see who could go to bed with the most men in one night. Claudius had her executed.