“A Comedy Tonight”

   I used to hate history. Then I learned all the ridiculous things people in history have done. Now I find it amusing. For example, in Latin the other day we learned about the Roman Civil War. It was surprisingly interesting. I thought it was going to be super lame and all dates of battles but then I found out the real story. (Now you get to learn!)


1. The Roman Civil War was a legit gang war. Let that sink in. Ancient Rome, togas and all, fighting it out in true gansta’ style. Including hiding shanks in their togas and cutting each other at the Senate house. (No Google Searcher, I am not making this up).


2. The war was between Pompey, aka: Pompey the Great (I think he named himself this), The Boy Butcher, The Most Awesome person in Rome at the time, and Caesar, The Caesar and Power Hungry Mad G.


3. Pompey started his career as a straight up G and never stopped. He originally worked for the ruthless Sulla, where he earned his street creed by kidnapping and murdering Roman aristocrats (hence the name “Boy Butcher”). Then he decided that he would spend some time taking his army into battle and routinely stealing everyone else’s thunder. This included dominating not only the war in Spain, but the slave revolt, and owning the pirates.


4. In the first triumvirate Caesar was the low man on the totem pole, but got elected consul (big wig in Rome) with Bibulous (a total nub). No one liked him, unlike Pompey who everyone loved (despite his attraction to unadulterated violence).


5. Then the triumvirate fell apart when Julia (Caesar’s daughter and Pompey’s wife (creepy, yes), with whom he was madly in love (still a little creepy) dies. Caesar then throws a big boy tantrum and decides to take his army into Rome (a huge no no). When he crossed the Rubicon he officially declared civil war. Pompey and his homes then run like little girls to Greece. Caesar then pwns them and Pompey (who is still being a coward) takes off to hide in Egypt. There his head is chopped off by an eight year old king.


   I even drew a picture while doodling today in history (I know, but I was bored). Lookie at my art:

Emperor Claudius’ third wife was once said to have donned blond wigs, gilded her nipples, and entered a competition with a local prostitute to see who could go to bed with the most men in one night. Claudius had her executed.